My inner life had potential. One could describe it as dirt, another a garden. But I wasn’t too concerned when I was younger. I thought more about the world, people, and things around me than on what to do with this plot I’d been given.
Little by little, the outside came in too far. The world has a way of getting pushy when there aren’t boundaries. And people aren’t always considerate.
So at an early age, I laid the first brick down around the edge of the dirt. Fear. There, I thought, that will show them to back off. But it wasn’t enough to keep me in, and the next thing I knew, I was the one inviting things in and setting my hopes on the next excitement to keep me satisfied. Let down. After only a few days of marriage, I realized quickly that my husband couldn’t understand the mental wave lengths I was sending him. Bitterness. While postpartum, I rode the first roller coaster of hormones and came down in a crash. Anxiety. Realizing that there are little people within my care but not under my control and knowing that I am limited by both time and strength hurts deeply. Anger.
Up and up and up. The bricks grew higher, and I wasn’t safe like I thought I would be. Each brick carried a memory, a name, a feeling. You’ve been forgotten. You’re not that big of a deal. Why can’t you just be more like…
Finally I crouched down on my knees. I dug my hands into the soil and longed for the plot to be clear again. Immediately the Gardener put His hand on my shoulder, and together we reached for the first brick. Brick by brick we faced each memory together, and He traded me a seed for every brick. This one will be joy. This one will be faithfulness. This one will be love. Trust me. Don’t give up. Wait for spring.
This process of removing bricks and planting a garden became our daily routine. The wall wasn’t built in a day; it couldn’t come down that way either. Healing that lasts takes time.
And as I was beginning to enjoy the work and look forward to the bittersweet process, He brought me our first fruit. Then He showed me that the wall was all down. I looked around and saw for the first time new growth in places that had once been so pressed down that the soil seemed too hard to ever produce a good fruit.
I’ll never forget His smile. My gratitude. Our deep bond. This space He created for us was so beautiful. Intimate.
But He warned me, whenever pain reenters your heart, you will have to make a choice. Pick up a brick and destroy a part of what we’ve worked for or come to Me for a new seed and grow more of what is lacking. Remember, do not grow weary of doing good for in due season you will reap, if you do not give up.